TWISler Update: Join the party, y’all!

Published Feb. 24, 2011

TWISler Update: Join the party, y’all!

As of yesterday, the number of Sarasotans that had put in so much of an effort as to register to vote stood at 267,136. Out of those of us that got that far, 86,487 (32%) claimed to be on the blue team, and 118, 246 (44%) have pledged allegiance to team red. But what to make of those 62,403 renegades — that 24% of us who are so brazenly resistant to commitment toward either of our country’s two ironclad ideals that they can only be classified as “Other” — or as we call them, “The Others”? They think they’re soooo cool with their highfalutin rebel mentalities and their fancy “independent” thinking caps that they probably wear ’em backwards as they ride around on their Harleys all day scaring kids.

Most of “The Others,” I’m sure, fit that stereotype to a T. But it actually turns out some of them, about 4% percent or so of our citizenry, aren’t so independent after all — quite the opposite actually. And some of them are even borderline freaky-deaky! As you can see from the Elections Office chart below, 6,239 Sarasotans are so diehard independent that they have to claim membership of the “Independent” Party, while 1,066 of us apparently feel their views are more aligned with the “Independence” Party. And then there’s those 131 “Independent Democrats,” who like their independence with a touch of tax and spend and a small side of social welfare. But the true patriots are the four SRQites in “America’s Independent” Party. Those guys really know how to hang indie-tough on a national level…

For those of you confused by the meaning of the word “independent,” we’ll let Dictionary.com explain it for you:

in·de·pend·ent

–adjective

Not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc.; thinking or acting for oneself: an independent thinker.

 

Party Voters Percent
Republican

118,246

44.26%

Democrat

86,487

32.38%

No Party Affiliation

54,037

20.23%

Independent Party of Florida

6,239

2.34%

Independence Party of Florida

1,066

0.40%

Libertarian Party of Florida

488

0.18%

Green Party of Florida, Inc.

273

0.10%

Independent Democrats of Florida

131

0.05%

Reform Party

46

0.02%

Constitution Party of Florida

24

0.01%

Tea Party

21

0.01%

Surfers Party of Florida

18

0.01%

Socialist Party of Florida

17

0.01%

Christian Party

14

0.01%

Family Values Party

5

0.00%

America’s Independent Party of Florida

4

0.00%

American Reform Party of Florida

3

0.00%

Florida Socialist Workers Party

3

0.00%

Possibility Party

3

0.00%

American Party of Florida

2

0.00%

American Conservatives Political Party

2

0.00%

British Reformed Sectarian Party

1

0.00%

Ecology Party of Florida

1

0.00%

Progressive Libertarian Party

1

0.00%

Objectivist Party of Florida

1

0.00%

Party for Socialism and Liberation – Florida

1

0.00%

Real Food Party of the United States of America

1

0.00%

Florida Whig Party

1

0.00%

Total

267,136

100.00%

 

Then, of course, we’ve got our fair share of Libertarians — the red team’s favorite redheaded stepchildren — who probably sit around in their rapture-proof underground bunkers clinging to their guns and religion and counting their tax breaks, along with our 21 officially licensed Tea-Baggers. And we’ve even got a few Greenies — the candidate every democrat loves to see entering the race. (“Hi, my name’s Moon Beam Sunflower, and I’ll be chaining myself to your porch until you vote for the Tree/River ticket in 2012…”)

But if you look close, you just might notice a few other rather interesting party affiliations. It seems there are 18 gnarly dudes among us who feel a devotion to the “Surfers” Party, and I bet they get majorly bummed out when their candidates don’t win. Oh well, I’m sure they’re totally stoked about the abundance of bodacious waves we have surging in from the Gulf everyday. I also spy an almost equivalent number of self-professed “Socialists,” and even a few “Socialist Workers.” (Oxy-moron?) Obama and Europe must be so proud! Keep fightin’ your way out of that shared cocoon and one day you’ll turn into a beautiful social butterfly… Just like Karl Marx.

Can you imagine the possibilities for the three Sarasotans belonging to the “Possibility” Party? With a mission statement like, “We support projects that make a difference in the lives of Americans.” How could you not sign up? And according to their website, possibilityparty.com, they even double as a babysitting service. That opens up tons of possibilities!

For all you foodies, you’ll have plenty of fat to chew over with our sole constituent of the “Real Food” Party. I believe he holds his campaign fundraisers at Taco Bell every Saturday night. You should probably invite the “Ecology” Party guy along too, just to see if he wants to form an alliance — the “Organic” Party has a nice ring to it… (Wink, Wink)

Now, the TWIS is fully aware of our city’s little youth deficiency dilemma, but even we were shocked to find a proud member of the “Whig” Party among our ranks. This whippersnapper must be pushing about the 180-year mark now, and I guess the poor guy never got the memo about the Whig outfit going out of fashion when that whole slavery being bad thing popped up.

But if you’re completely hopelessly and utterly baffled as to what you believe, you should probably give our representative from the “Progressive Libertarian” Party a call. I’m sure you’ll both have a wonderful time connecting dots on the chalkboard along with Glenn Beck, followed by a Brave New Films documentary marathon!

Well, at least most of us have enough common sense to hop on one of the two “smart” trains that fit so snug and comfortable right up against our political platforms. If not, we wouldn’t be able to put them on the same set of tracks so we can send them into a full-speed head-on collision with each other. Because we all know, if our ideals don’t get derailed after gaining the slightest bit of momentum, we couldn’t enjoy this perpetual train wreck we call American politics.

 

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