TWISler Update: The TWISler endorses three lucky candidates

Published Jan. 31, 2011

TWISler Update: The TWISler endorses three lucky candidates

The TWIS-meister has been keepin’ it pretty real lately and all of us here in TWIS land thought that instead of dropping a 1,500-word A-bomb of information on readers each week, it might be wiser to slow things down and make sure everyone is still on the same page. We’d hate for half the class to get behind and then come finals week and nobody shows up for the test — especially since we’ve got some potentially life altering exams down the pipe and only five weeks to prepare.

But don’t fret! The TWISler has decided to reserve the sumo-sized horse pills of justice he’s been shoving down your gullet for special occasions, and substitute them for more palatable, jockey-sized mouse pills that can be easily and comfortably ingested throughout the week in frequent doses. You might call them tutoring sessions between lectures, but we’ll be calling them “TWISler Updates.” These Earth-shattering truth-quakes may not rate as high on the realness keepin’ Richter scale as the “TWISler Breakdowns,” but sit through enough of them and you’ll feel just as sick to your stomach.

In order to get the full context behind this week’s Update, we’ll refer you to TWISler’s past Breakdown of the Sarasota City Commission Candidates and the voluptuous vixens they’ve been attempting to swoon over the past few weeks. Make sure to pass it along to all your friends so everyone gets good and familiar with all the bachelorettes and contestants. We’ll be providing updates on all the cute couples and their dates as new information comes in.

But for now, we’ll just play matchmaker and let you know who we think would make the perfect couples. Oh, I can’t wait! They’re so adorable together!!!

Bachelorette #1

You’ll remember our first bachelorette as the sassy sex kitten with the sumptuous stems that stretch for miles — literally! She’s a Newtown girl that’s been livin’ in a downtown world and she’s just looking for a real contestant who knows how to treat a lady right. (And possibly some funding for North Trail redevelopment.) It’s none other than District Number One!

Now, you may have heard, but the TWISler is quite a big fan of the interwebs. When a contestant makes an effort to look good on the web, it just shows they actually care about their appearance. Amazingly, two of the four contestants vying for the hand of District 1, Willie Shaw and Frederick Williams, didn’t even bother to shave with Facebook, let alone put on some website deodorant. It just looks sloppy. And since District 1 is such a classy lady, we just couldn’t see her hooking up with someone so socially inept.

That narrows it down to international sports agent-turned-politico-wannabe Richard Dorfman and protector of everything neighborhood Linda Holland. Now, we love neighborhoods just as much as the next TWISler, and having two-dozen titles on your resume always makes it easier to fill up a sheet of paper with resume. But we think District 1 is in need of a businessman with a business plan; someone who is just as suave with the entrepreneurs as they are with the officials; and someone who knows all the right moves to get her economic loins burning with desire. In other words, Richard Dorfman and District 1 is simply a match made in heaven!

Bachelorette #2

You’ll recall our second bachelorette as the gal with the St. Armands circle to die for teasingly placed between her picture perfect pair of Keys. She’s a little Siesta, a little Bayfront, and a whole lotta Ringling Causeway. Give it up for District Number Two!

If it just came down to looks, we don’t know if we’d be able to choose between these two dashing contestants, Dick Clapp and Paul Carigiulo. They’re both just too cute! But the funny thing is District 2 has dated Dick before (they’re actually still kinda off and on) and I just think she doesn’t have the same feelings she used to for him. Honestly, he’s a really sweet guy. He’s always played along with our silly little games, and he even swims with sharks when we ask him to. But District 2 has different needs now. It’s not you, Dick. It’s her. She’s very vulnerable right now, and she just needs someone with a good business sense and plenty of entrepreneurial experience, and we think Paul Carigiulo will be able to provide that for her. We hope you understand. Still love you!

Bachelorette #3

Our third bachelorette is known for getting feisty and there’s plenty of speculation that she’s quite promiscuous as well. She likes to hang out around Main Street and Hyde Park, usually waiting around for the first young hunk she sees that will buy her a drink. Hey, they don’t call her the “Flirt of Fruitville” for nothing. She’s District Number Three!

If you know little miss District 3 much at all, you’ll know that our choice for her soul mate is kind of a no-brainer. She’s not really into guys with glasses and suspenders; and she hate, hate, HATES riding on trains. That makes for a pretty steep uphill climb for Pete Theisen, who apparently has an Ernest P. Worrell-style wardrobe of glasses and suspenders and never seems to stop talking about trains. She also has a tendency to get a little naughty, and I’m not sure ex-Deputy Sheriff Shannon Snyder will be able to handle her wild side. Then there’s Diana Hamilton. She might get a little overly excited, and she might talk a bit too much, but she’s also good at going with the flow. And when she gets going on a good idea, she’ll ride that sucker until she hits the finish line. It probably won’t last forever, but right now we think Diana Hamilton and District 3 are perfect for each other.

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